I am who I am

I received several smses that made me question the meaning of friendship.

You know. It frustrates me to the core that some people cannot accept me for who I am, and expect me to change and be less “expressive” as it seems to scare the shit out of people. If it makes people uncomfortable, and all cringy, then they shouldn’t get to know me or consider me as a friend. I am not trying to be sensitive, but seriously, it was somewhat upsetting to hear that the people you treasure and respect have been discussing about how terrified they are just cause I text messages like “Do you miss me?” “hugs”, “miss you!”, ” Thanks babe”, ‘Love!”.

Let me put it across to you that I say all these words to my friends. Regardless of whatever levels of friendship you belong to. What irks me the most is that the ones who are uncomfortable with it are the people I thought would be most matured about how expressive I am. I told Shiqi about it and he told me to be equally harsh. “If they can’t accept you for who you are, then they don’t deserve to be your friends,” he said, “Well, if they said that they are being truthful and harsh, then you ought to be the same.” Sigh. I am just majorly disappointed. And when more smses came exclaiming how I should change and that all that this person has been telling me is for my own good, I just couldn’t bear to hear it anymore. I think the most un-PR statement in the sms was : ” and if you are wondering why the others are not replying your msg when you asked them if they missed you after ORD, you now know why “

You do not put a smiley sign AFTER this kinda message.

And you don’t continue saying about how “over sensitive” i am and that “Sorry if it was harsh, but I believe it will help out! “

Another smiley.

It really made me question about how they think of me, and whether all the smiles and good biddings were merely a facade. I can imagine that deep down inside, they all feel uncomfortable around me because I happen to be more open with my words and too comfortable with people. And it hurts to find out about such stuff especially when they are from people you trust, care and thought the world of.

I am foolish to have believed that friends accept you for who you are.

Wow. 2 Weeks More

Yeah. Tell me about it. I have 2 weeks more before my birthday and I am slightly busy to really be bothered about it now. That’s not a good thing. Thought I could come back home to do jog after doing my work, but guess the weather was not in my favour. It poured crazily the minute I stepped out of the house. Oh well, but at least I managed to do some weights to strengthen my scrawny arms.

You wonder what am I doing up so late. Since I am back home today, I thought it would be logical to also reply all the emails with regards to the party and start writing the cheques to pay up. I am seriously broke. I saw my bank account today. I really wonder why am I spending so much for this 21st. Okay, maayyybeee I shouldn’t think about the cost, but look forward to making it a memorable event. Raymond’s going to be my emcee. I wonder what he will do. Hope he doesn’t make me cry for the wrong reasons. So anyway, since I was going to settle some admin stuff at this hour, I thought I should also update, considering that I have not updated for quite some time. What happened to me?! Tsk. Yeah, I’ve been facebooking excessively, watching Youtube videos, and reading Wikipedia non-stop. Should have actually spent the time updating my blog right? Right.

Anyway, I went cycling recently with the secondary school gang.

Was my second time cycling. Cycling at the park is supposed to calm you down, but unfortunately, I was nervous and irritated half the time due to the incoming flow of people. I made a huge TSK sound at a family who couldn’t make up their mind on whether they should cross the road or not. I braked so hard, my balls hurt. I mumbled under my breath as they finally made up their mind to let me past, and cycled off cursing a little. It was really painful! I don’t really know how Kerry can bear with the pain after cycling for so long. Gosh. Anyway, whenever I am with my best friends or secondary school mates, I tend to adopt a kiddish behaviour. All of us do. Haha. We went to the arcade after dinner and played silly games. I didn’t know I could have so much fun stepping on spiders or beat the shit out of coloured buttons. Kesther took all the tickets we won in the games to exchange for a really lame pen. We also played shooting games and wow, games at the arcade are really expensive nowadays. One shooting game per player can cost a chicken rice. I would rather eat the chicken rice. And yeah, throughout the day, my supposedly-loyal best friends kept telling me that they will not be attending my birthday party. Yvonne says it’s a lie, but Jianli made it sound like he was really serious. He looked like he was really upset that I was planning such a big party.

And Mowbray Camp is such a lovely camp to sleep in. I stayed in again on Monday and I felt so comfortable sleeping. The place is very cooling and homely. The bunk is so much cooler! 3 Signal Battalion should really reconsider the bunk layout. In addition, I bumped into Qing An! I was surprised to see him around, and of course, can’t help but smile when I caught him smiling to himself while getting food. He does that a lot. Smile to himself. I wonder what he is thinking sometimes. Anyway, he showed me around his camp. He has an I-Net station. A new computer. An office of his own that has a door. Omg. I don’t even have a door. I have a table…at the corner of the office. He has a room all to himself. I am mortified. And there is an officer’s toilet too. I mean, I don’t really mind sharing a toilet with my men and specialists but it was a little unbelieveable to see all this officer’s toilet, officer’s bunk, officer’s room. Wow. Commissioning does has its perks, for some people. Lol.

I still like my table though. It has my cute Signal calendar.

Which is telling me that I have 2 weeks more. Tsk.

And Cherylene’s back on Saturday! Finally!

Kenneth Teng Wants…..

So my birthday is coming and I was thinking about it on the train. I realise I have yet to come up with a list of what I want for D-Day. So here it is. There’s more to come

1. I need a freaking awesome black bag, like the $50 Far East Bag that I have. I could use one more, but this time, more durable and better.

2. I need a Gucci Bag for personal use. Haha. A black one would be pretty. A Lacoste white bag is great too. Haha. I love bags. Any bags that will fit me would suffice.

3. I need a watch. Like seriously. It would be awesome if I could get one black watch for army, and another pretty Casio watch for personal use

4. I need a new non-camera phone. I’m not someone who demands a lot of functions, but one that permits me to have an mp3 as a ringtone would be nice. I like Samsung.

5. I need shades. Prada.

6. Ang paos have always been quite good

7. Anything from The Body Shop has always been nice for me

8. Ooooo. I love a Burberry clutch.. My sparkly purse is driving the boys mad.

9. I need new running shoes. Adidas has always been perfect for me. If you are afraid, vouchers are good. I’m a size 8

10. Oh and I accept all vouchers. I do Topman. I’m an XS/S. and I don’t have jeans anymore So vouchers are great.

11. A new Gucci belt, would be good, but then again, a Guess one would be just as sweet. I need a new belt.

12. Okay. I need to make new spectacles. If you could give me a spectacle voucher from Optical 88, it would be PERFECT.

13. I don’t need an iPhone. iTouch. iWhatever. Please don’t get me Apple products. I don’t need a wallet too. I like my Playboy wallet.

14. Hmmm..Yeah, okay, so  I need new shoes too. I realised I only have one pair of shoes. I like white shoes.

Thanks. Love you guys. Please don’t think this is the end. I’m still thinking.

Cry Me Out

The birthday preparations are more or less done. Am just waiting for the designs  for my cake that Roy is going to do up.  It’s going to be a merger of the two badge designs.

Quite cute right? And if you are wondering what you will be having on that day itself, you can read the menu below. All the items below have been tried and tested.

Am starting to feel like my birthday is meaningless. I’m doing all the planning, doing all the food ordering, the entertainment, the concepts. There’s nothing surprising about it. There is nothing I can be surprised about and to make things worse, my family don’t seem to give a hoot about it, which is a little upsetting.

Work has been coming at my way a lot too, which I’m secretly happy about. Have been emotional lately and I could use all this work to distract me. I am even secretly happy that my ISAC Card has 24 hours access now, which permits me to do my work any day, any time of the week. Even on public holidays. Some people in camp have made me quite angsty lately and it has even made me come up with a list of things that these people have done wrong. I told Cai that it will serve as a reminder to me to NEVER do anything on THE LIST. I complain a lot. I realise that. And now, I don’t see a point of complaining. I have tried to explain myself, and it just falls on deaf ear. Just gotta live with it and never join in. Anyway, at the end of the month, I will be doing something no other Signal Officer has ever done before, and this excites me. It will be a challenge and a new experience. Not really sure how things will turn out but I am definitely glad that I have Heng as my PS around.

I got to meet up with my syndicate during the 77th CTC Pre-Course Briefing too. Everyone seems to have left a first good impression on me and I’m quite looking foward to the CTC. Am not looking forward to writing the essays though. It seems like a lot of pre-course work, and the topics to write on aren’t even interesting.

This week was Jiahui’s and Timothy’s last week in camp. We had a Node 32/38 cohesion at the Chong Pang Steamboat at Turf City right before Wolverine 3. Everyone had a good time and it was nice to see the boys laughing and taking photos of each other. However, behind it all, I knew that it meant the end. Jia Hui and Timothy will be gone from that day onwards, and I do believe I will miss them very, very much.

And Yong Yang messaged me earlier this morning. He said that he has a PC who reminds him of me. I was flattered. I get that a lot. Does this mean that Singapore has many Kenneths around, or people who emit this so called Kenneth vibe? Haha. Apparently so. And it was sweet of him to say that I was more special.

I think someone is special too.

I am conflicted. There are just too many things going through my mind, and no one seems to be around to listen to me. I miss having Cherylene around, as only she will be able to listen to my crap and slap me in the head whenever I go overboard. I tried talking to someone. He just kept saying everything is wrong and it just made me feel worse about myself. I don’t know why I have been feeling lowly about myself. I feel I’m not good enough. I feel lousy. I feel stupid. I used to not have such thoughts…a lot. Raymond says I should have more confidence in myself, but these are trying times. I don’t know how to pick myself up and tell myself I’m awesome.

And I need to clear my 2nd year window for SOC. I hate SOC, and I still fear it.

Sigh.

The Fairytale Getaway

I am stumped. In the midst of planning my birthday celebration this coming 28th (yeah omg, my birthday is happening way sooner than I expected!), I am also planning for my little trip to Langkawi. Yes. I need to get away from the hectics of life. There is just too many things going on around here and a good beach resort is all that I need to refresh, rejuvenate, and revive me.

Anyway, what’s giving me a headache is the choice of resort that I would like to reside in. You see, I’m not going to be staying in some hotel near town, near some village selling tokens of appreciation, or anything I can get in Singapore. I want to get away from the urbanised structures and find my calling with nature. That is why, I have narrowed my choices down to The Andaman Langkawi and The Westin Langkawi.

Andaman

Advantages: 5 Star. Perfect view, beautiful getaway, facebook worthy pictures, a crazy beach, and just about everything I need. Near The Seven Wells and Crocodile Farm too!

Disadvantages: From reviews, the food ain’t that good. The service is lacking.

The Westin

Advantages: 5 Star. Equally spectacular (maybe the view ain’t that amazing), nice amenities, near some pasar malam, near the jetty, has a crazy beach too, and it’s slightly cheaper! Food is relatively good based on reviews

Disadvantages: Well, it’s cheaper for a reason. Not sure what yet. Reviews haven’t sprouted out anything bad other than noisy kids and families.

So, yes, this is definitely a difficult choice for me.  Oh well, at least I have some more time to decide. Gotta book the dates though. 16 – 18 Dec. I really like that my Signal Calendar is ALWAYS packed with something to do, except for the weekends, when I’m not doing anything but resting at home.

Now moving on to another topic. CC

I know this is old but…wow…Cheryl Cole is DA Bomb. She’s so pretty. This is the reason why people like me think we’re hideous.

And THIS song below has been on repeat. It says a lot about how I feel at this moment. How I feel about someone really special. So yes, I was on the bus to Woodlands this evening…to pay my grandfather a visit. The sun was setting, splashing the sky with pieces of blue and red. The HDB flats were standing tall and adding to the perfect scenery. Never knew Singapore could be so beautiful. Never knew life could be just right for a minute.

So I visited my grandfather today at St Luke’s Hospital. I watched him sleep. He twitched once in a while, and looked afraid. I held his hand and he woke up. He looked at me and the first thing he asked was whether I had eaten. I nodded and told him to not worry about me. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep again, and I kept holding on to his hands. As he slept, he tightened his grip and I started to tear. I remember how he ended up in the state he is in now, and I feel partly at fault.

My grandfather is ever the selfless one, and he took care of me since I was born. Even in primary school, he would travel from Commonwealth to Pasir Ris to bring food that my grandmother cooked. He insisted on doing this even though he knew we were very independent. He wanted to make sure his grandchildren ate. Then one day, he collapsed on the train. And from then on, things were different. If only…

He twitched again.

I felt him tightened his grip. I knew he was scared to be alone, and scared of leaving. I sat with him for a while, watching him sleep. A nurse broke the silence when she came in to turn off the lights. It woke him up. It was time for me to leave.

He asked me again in Malay to not forget to eat. I nodded and replied back to him in Malay that I would. As he went back to sleep, I walked away and started to cry a little. I didn’t want to leave him alone in that room. As I waited for the bus, I turned on my mp3 and Need You Now played. I started to weep silently. I was in uniform. I know I shouldn’t be crying, but it was painful to see my grandfather in his current state. I just didn’t know what to do, and for a moment, I wished you were there to hug me and tell me everything is okay.

I wished someone was there to do that, but I never did had anyone.

I felt all alone. Been alone for a while. A long while. Remembered the words my mum said, about how I should not weaken in such situations and that if I break down, no one’s going to help me up.

I took a deep breath. I boarded the bus. I need my fairytale getaway soon.

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I just got cuuuuuttttt

I cannot believe kids these days. I was queuing up for a simple bubble tea. The queue was not that long, but it was long enough to make me tap my feet. Under the smouldering heat, you just can’t wait to get yourself one chilled milk tea. However, no matter how warm the weather is, you will wait patiently for your turn. Well, not everyone thinks the same way as I do. This girl, the horrors, just walked right in front of me and blatantly ordered her drink. At first, I thought that okay, perhaps I missed her and that she was in the queue. But when I saw her packet of BBQ chicken rice, I knew she totally cut the queue. That’s cause I ordered my BBQ chicken rice before she did! I’m not being petty, but what the hell was she thinking. She knew I was looking at her and she knew I was the one who made the LOUD TSK sound when she ordered. She looked at me at the corner of her eye, but the 9 year old just continued ordering. Is this what has become of the millenium kids? What happened to having integrity and doing what’s right? This is absurd.

She better not let me see her. Again.

Anyway, perhaps I should also share my horrible experience at Butter Factory. I had high hopes for that club, especially since everyone’s telling me about how amazing it is. My foot. I went there at around 10pm and the queue was absurd. Okay, so maybe, just maybe, there is a huge crowd inside. However, after entering the club, I realised that there wasn’t a crowd at all. So I was kinda pissed, but yeah okay, you wanna be exclusive, I’ll let you be. At the baggage counter, we faced another problem. There was no baggage space. Yeah. The horrors. Which club doesn’t have baggage space?! And you’re talking about Butter. It was ridiculous. So my dear Celest and Audrey had to lug their bags around the clubs and couldn’t really dance much. We were told to try again at 1am, which we did, and we got the same excuse that there was no baggage space. Er… but there was. I saw it and even tried pleading with the girls.  The counter ladies looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language. One of the girls nicely offered to write down our number so she could call back, but her partner in crime shook her head and told her to ignore me. Yes. Rude. Very Rude. Talk about good service. And then, things got worse cause there was a police inspection, and the security didn’t let us move around from FASH to BUMP, or from the washroom to BUMP, or yeah, basically anywhere. One of them even told Audrey to go out of the club if she wants to put her baggage. What sort of answer is that?! It was really stupid. The answers we got were very stupid. I was perturbed by their lack of intelligence and service. There was ONE guy though, who answered all my queries with no problems. He explained that the police raid was sudden and that they had no choice but “quarantined” us in this club till things were resolved. A simple explanation would suffice, but noooo, all the security guards just kept shouting at people and telling people that they were following instructions. Blah Blah. At least explain la. God. Not like act all dumb and go on telling the world that you are following instructions! I know you are. Just explain the situation and not keep us all worrying. The baggage girls also couldn’t explain themselves. Really. Really. Ridiculous. The whole experience at butter was just painfully dumb. I felt like the service crew left their brains at home or something. I’m not trying to make a fuss, but really, Butter Factory has all the wrong marketing strategies. They want to be exclusive, I understand, but with rude security guards, lack of intelligent crew, bad crowd control, and horrible counter girls… yeah enough said. The music is good though. Perhaps the only thing that is good.

And yesterday was Thien Hoon’s Birthday. The last of all the 21st birthday celebrations for the time being.  The guys and I bought him a Braun Buffel wallet and keychain. It was really funny watching him making a wish, blowing the candles, and just celebrating his birthday. He is such a big boy!

Anyway, here are some random pictures of Audrey’s Birthday once again. Can’t wait for mine soon Going to launch my first advertisement tonight!!

And yes, love this short film. Shows you how much money and greed can make you forget the most important things in life.