Why I became an Officer

Today, I recited the Officer’s Creed once again at the Ceremonial Hall. It wasn’t as impactful as the time I recited it during my commissioning parade. It wasn’t much of a hoo ha. But it was definitely strong enough to make me think about it the whole day.

And I decided to visit my men and specialists after dinner.

I felt good seeing them once again, even though it was just for an hour. I felt as if I have not met them for ages, when it fact, it was just a mere week. Anyway, I doubt I’ll be able to see them much in the next few weeks with all the crazy exercises coming up.

But at least I made the effort. And their smiles were enough to make my day.

Now I know why I became an Officer of the Singapore Armed Forces.

Monster. You Ate My Heart

Life’s always playing tricks on you, and this time, I must applaud it for it’s greatest prank yet.

Everyone says that if you don’t look for love, it will come looking for you. I was facing a major breakdown near the end of the year as I realised I have not been treating myself well enough. I was always not satisfied and because of my need to be the best, I neglected everything around me. I closed all the doors for hope, laughter, friends and even love. I was too afraid to let any of these “strangers” in as I believed that welcoming them would result in me being unable to accomplish my dreams.

And then, I chose to let go. And when I did, I met you. You were with me for a while, and even though I noticed you, I chose not to care. I chose not to bat an eyelid. I didn’t notice you until you spoke to me on a random morning. Until you asked me to tell you more about me. And that’s when I noticed how much in common we have. I still was adamant that it’s nothing. I just didn’t want to notice you. And then, we started talking more and I realised how cute you were. How amazingly funny and similar you are to me. Education, interests, hobbies, behaviours, where we wore our watches, and even our bitchiness. Cupid was starting to work and I felt drawn to you. And then we parted for a while, and I knocked myself hard for not noticing you at all.

As the weeks went by, I didn’t think much about you. On New Year’s Day, I thought about you for a split second, before diving into my supper with friends. I wondered how you were. And then, weeks went by again before I took the initiative to ask you out. You were so busy. I have never met anyone who works harder than me. Crazy. Anyway, I thought it was a right move. Going out with you made me really happy. I watched you behave erratically and couldn’t stop laughing. I listened to you and realised I agree to all your points about relationships. I felt like I was listening to myself. And I didn’t want the day to end at all. I didn’t want to believe that you were going away.

But……….Maybe i’m thinking too much, or it may be too early to say anything. Maybe I should just let it be and see how it goes. Maybe you don’t feel the same way at all, and I’m just going to land myself into a whole load of shit.

Just when you don’t look for love, it comes sweeping you off your feet, and now, it chooses to leave you on the streets as it moves on for greener pastures. Awesome. Love’s like a monster. It ate my heart.

Whaaaattt

Day 3 of CTC and I’m already dying. I wonder how long more can I take this before I suffer a mental breakdown. Hahaha, and yes, Signals is way UNDERrepresented. I feel a little dejected and it seems like there is nothing to share with my course mates. I have to study all over again too, and that’s giving me a migraine.

Letting Go

I went kite flying today.

It felt serene. Watching the kite fly up high into the sky. I spent a few hours with Jianli doing nothing but looking at our kites soar, and listening to the chatter of the many people around us. I questioned myself. Why were these people so happy, so contented and just so peaceful? Why is it that these people didn’t scream or frown when their kites didn’t soar up as expected? I asked that because I was frowning and even wanted to give up because my kite just wouldn’t soar. And then, an uncle came over and taught me to be patient, and showed Jianli and I the techniques needed to get our kites flying. I was too rash. I was too worried. I just had to relax, and I berated myself for being unable to do so. What happened to being a new me in 2010? What happened to wanting happiness and accepting?

I guess I’m still learning.

One week into 2010 and I’m still discovering myself. I don’t blame myself. I just wish that I would find out what true happiness and contentment feels like faster. Everyone says I’m talking bullshit whenever I tell them that I am emotionally unstable and sad. People just reply with a “but you smile in all your pictures!”. Pictures are deceiving. I may be smiling like in the picture right above, but deep down inside, I’m feeling differently. One week into 2010 and I went on an emotional turmoil. Camp has been quite upsetting. The merger has proven to be what I expected – a castastrophe. Well, the beginning of it all that is. A lot of conflicts arose, and many people just couldn’t see eye to eye. There was a lot of tension and trust issues between friends. I was drained by the third day. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t understand how CPT Tong handled it so well, and I now respect her for it. Spoke to her on the phone one night and she told me to not give up. She told me to have faith that things would get better. The transition period was going to be tough, and I know it very well. I just hope the others can understand that concept and not dish out the changes immediately down the throats of everyone. I guess there is no point fighting or trying to argue. It just puts a strain on relationships and let’s just say that it’s not worth it at all. I don’t want to ORD with broken friendships and pure hatred in my heart. I have decided to let go. Jacq was right. I have to learn to let go. To receive instead of giving. To accept and not reject. Just like flying a kite. I had to let go the reel if I wanted my kite to soar. I had to trust in it to fly, and not hang on so tightly to it.

I’m going to be on course next week, for a good 5 weeks. I must learn to trust that my men, specialists and fellow officers will be able to handle and adapt (I hate to use this word) to the changes.

I thought about all this as I watched silently at my kite swaying in the breeze.

“I forgive you Kenneth. You’re still learning to be a better you. You’re still finding out what it takes to be happy, to accept yourself, and to trust. It’s okay. I forgive you,” I murmured under my breath as Jianli called out to me to reel my kite down.

And then I started to really smile.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010. :)

Let me first say that I am really glad that the year 2009 is over. And that a new year is beginning. A lot of things happened in the year 2009 – Me entering OCS, commissioning, turning 21, falling in love and being totally dejected, blah blah blah. And just when i thought that things couldn’t get any better or less army-related, I went for a course that showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. That was when I decided to take a 2 weeks sabbatical away from work and everything in my life. I took a short trip to Malacca to also discover a little bit more about myself and thank Kenneth Teng for all the hard work that he has done to achieve what he has achieved for the past 21 years. My mum thought I was crazy when I started acknowledging myself in the mirror (it was part of the homework that Jacq gave me to teach me to appreciate me for being me). But yeah, that was the beginning of a fresh outlook towards life.

Went to Malacca on the 28th to get away from all the worries in life. The trip there was tremendously long and torturous. I woke up at 6.30am, boarded the bus at around 8.30am. and only reached my hotel at 2.30pm. I was lethargic by the time we arrived, and to make things worse, there was a long queue for the check in. I mean a LONG queue. It was quite retarded, but thankfully, it cleared quickly. Our hotel room wasn’t splendid or whatsoever as imagined in my dream holiday to Langkawi post. Yes. I was in Malacca, not Langkawi, as I couldn’t afford spending $600 per person for 2 nights. So I had to make do with an apartment hotel room that was quite all right. The only problem that made me a little upset was that I had paid the stay for three, but received the services for two. The kettle and refrigerators were quite ****ed up too, and that got me further annoyed. I guess I should just stay in a much better hotel the next time and not scrimp and save. Note taken – a MUCH MUCH better 5 star hotel the next time round. Anyway, it was not so much of an issue after all as I knew that I was not going to spend quality time in the hotel. My best friends and I wanted to venture out to eat non-stop, which we did as soon as we stepped out of our hotel. I just had to get my seafood lasagna. It still baffles me to no end at why Singapore Pizza Hut chooses to stop catering for seafood lasagna. It was a best seller (well I think so!), so yeah. The meals in Malacca were outrageously cheap and as Kerry puts it, it was like “paying with stones”. Just take a look at the pictures of all the stuff we ate.

So on we go on a 3 days 2 nights escapade eating, and eating, and eating. We bumped into some people too, like my S3 Captain Low and Elizabeth Lim from TPSS. Talk about running away from everything in life, but u end up meeting people who remind you about work or Singapore. Haha. I also got to do some things that I never did, like order room service and do some reflection with my besties. Kerry, Johanan and I had the chance to also acknowledge and appreciate each other, and I think it was one of the most refreshing moments in life. I thank God for them, for being my pillar of support and the ones who I really feel comfortable around. And after 3 days, it was time for us to go back. I was a little reluctant to, because that would mean I will have to come back to the fast paced lifestyle in Singapore. But oh wells, it was not much of a choice for me.

So the new year came just a day after I came back, and it was really packed in town. Cherylene, Bradford and I could not really find a place to sit and chill after having dinner at Waraku (yeap, there again!). So we ended up having to sit by the river and cutting his cake. Yeap. It was Bradford’s birthday too. I find it quite interesting that some people are born on new year’s day. Like Shawn too. So after cutting the cake, we went to Achipelago to get some drinks, which I ended up spilling on my black jeans. It was good beer, so damn. And by the time I got back home, it was morning. So I guess it shouldnt happen again. Bad for the body.

Today, I had to attend three parties – Shawn’s birthday, Martin’s BBQ, and Audrey’s party. Shawn’s birthday party was quite cute. I met Gladys and Leroy, and made a lot more new friends. His mum was really sweet to have organised the small gathering and even introduce some element of fun by creating games for the guests to play. I felt so happy and comfortable at his place, that I totally forgot about time. Ended up only arriving at Martin’s BBQ party at around 7.30pm. The BBQ saw me catchin up with my old secondary school mates and meeting some of Martin’s TP course mates. There wasn’t much activity and I left 2 hours later to head down to Audrey’s Hotel Party. I’m currently alone in the hotel room typing this blog post out. Everyone has chosen to go down to roam the streets of Changi Village at this God forsaken hour, and I just hope they are not doing anything funny or stupid. Haha. Anyway, I’m weirdly not tired from running around the entire day, and considering that I have to wake up to meet Timothy and Jiahui for dinner tomorrow, yeah, I should really get my rest.

Good night. Happy New Year

Christmas! Wheeeee!

I didn’t really feel like that when I woke up on 25th Dec. Seriously. This year, the festive spirit kind of got lost somewhere in outer space as there really wasn’t any. Everywhere I went, it just felt like an uber decorated shopping mall. Everyone was either too busy with work, or chose to disappear from the surface of the Earth, and thus, the spirit of giving and Christmas died along with it. However, I did try my best to get into the spirit as much as possible. Well, I didn’t try. I did get into the spirit.

Met up with Audrey and Sarah for dinner at the White Dog Cafe at Vivocity on Tuesday night right after my facilitation course. The place overlooked the sea and had such a beautiful, peaceful setting that it just put me at ease. My Chicken Leg was impressive too, and Sarah’s Chicken Fillet was mouth-watering. I was not too impressed with Audrey’s Seafood Pasta, but ohwells, she always has a tendency to order the least appealing but most expensive meal. Haha. Surprisingly, Celest and Ethan (Celest’s poly friend) happened to also be at the restaurant, so it was a good catch up for everyone. The girls thought I looked good in uniform, but seriously, I dislike being in uniform. I really do not see how “good-looking” it can look on me. Ridiculous. After the dinner, we had drinks at Gloria Jeans and talked about our lives. We laughed so much and just had a good time, feeling totally carefree and oblivious of the clock ticking. By the time we were done, it was quite late. I went back to camp with Derek, who waited for me at Vivocity, and woke up the next morning to simply set my Outlook Express to Out Of Office. For once, I’m going to have a good leave. A guilt-free leave. No work, no books, no nonsense. I cannot believe I was even contemplating to study for my CTC and bring back some precis. Tsk. Crazy.

After I left for camp, I went to ICA to get my passport and had dinner with Zat and the gang in the night. We ate at the Garden Slug, a humble cafe situated somewhere in Eunos. It was one of those restaurants that you would not give two hoots about. The place was very well-hidden and I was surprised that there were even shops like that there. The food was quite expensive, but each meal was delicately made and well cooked. The desserts were amazing too. I would go there for the desserts. I loved the Stewed Pear with Gelato. It gave me goosebumps. After dinner, the 5 of us just sat down on the couches and talked. I cannot really remember what we talked about but I know that I was laughing a lot. And it was definitely refreshing for once to finally be a participant of such dinners, instead of the usual organiser. It was uplifting to sit back and relax instead of worrying all the time. I could really use this more often. Those wrinkles are starting to show. I even got to hang something on a Christmas Tree, although it was kinda fake as it was for a photo. Haha.

On Christmas Eve, I didn’t really do much and simply stayed at home, read the papers and just enjoyed the peace and quiet. With my claustrophobic nature and huge dislike for crowds, I avoided all areas that was going to be packed with people, like town. I didn’t even want to leave my house. But I did leave my house on Christmas for church. Holy Trinity has changed tremendously. After what seemed like years of not going to church, I was quite taken aback by the change. You mean our choir members have robes now?! The songs have also gotten some new melody to them, and it was a little shocking for me. After church, I went to line dance in Orchard. Yes, I had to overcome my fear of crowds and kept frowning everytime I had to squeeze through the sweaty, stingy crowd in town. It was frustrating and stressful, but anything for dance. The minuite I stepped onto the streets to dance, I felt free, and I told myself that I was going to have all the fun that I truly deserved. What made things even more fun was that everyone who used to dance at Downtown East was there! All the people I used to line dance with when I was 12 were there, including Deon. Everyone has seriously grown up, and it amazes me at how much we have all changed. Despite the change, there was one thing that remain unchanged – our passion for line dancing. The fact that the dance list had a lot of old dances made things even more fun for all of us. Haha. Too bad my sister wasn’t there. She missed out on a lot of fun. After dancing, I went for a late dinner with Wai Ling and we both chuckled at how coincidental the night was. How all the original Line Dancing Kids chose to come back on this night and dance our hearts out. I guess the Big Guy up there planned this one night for us.

This morning, I woke up aching so badly from  dancing so much on Christmas. It was hilarious. I couldn’t even drag myself off my bed. Anyway, I met up with Cherylene and Ili for lunch. We chose to eat at the Pizza Hut in Tampines Mall so as to relieve our secondary school days. While eating, we talked about how the place has changed and even described detailedly how the place was like 6 years ago. Yes. I vomitted watermelon out of my nose. I still remember that incident. Haha. After lunch, we had tea at Teadot (once again. Sorry, I’m addicted) and did a little shopping. Wanted to have dinner with friends, but decided to stay at home and start packing for my holiday in Malacca. Yes. I will be heading down to the hometown of all Peranakans on Monday and shall be away for a good 3 days. Am a little excited about it. Will update more on my short holiday as soon as I get back. Till then. Happy Holidays.

Life Changing

Recently, I attended a Coaching Course conducted by external agencies in preparation for my CTC in January. I never really gave much thought about it, and was even tempted to skip it as I thought it would have been a complete waste of time. And the course was conducted at Mandai Hill Camp, which is crazily situated somewhere ulu and far away from my house. However, to my surprise, I paid full attention in the course and got to understand myself better. In the course, all the officers were made to do a life cycle wheel and gauge our level of satisfaction for each segment in the pie chart. There was a total of 12 segments. I found it VERY difficult to plan out 12 segments and was perturbed by the fact that I was incapable of putting in a percentage for the level of happiness for simple segments such as finance, health, relationship with friends etc. I struggled with each minute and after a while, I could not take it and kind of spilled out my troubles unexpectedly during a focus group discussion. I mentioned that I was not able to see how the life cycle wheel was so simple to do as I had a tough time trying to mark out my level of satisfaction as I NEVER was satisfied. I DIDN’T think I was ever going to be satisfied. Jacq, my facilitator trainer, started to question me about why I felt that way and I began to realise that I was comparing myself with others all the time. I was never going to be satisfied as I had the notion that there was “always going to be someone better than me”. This made me a very, very sad person, and as much as Jacq said I wasn’t screwed up, I felt that I was.

After the lesson, Jacq, Linda and I had a personal coaching session, where I expressed myself and the troubles I was facing. Linda, my other facilitator trainer, reminded me to keep listening to what I was saying, and slowly, it dawned on me that I was not loving and appreciating myself for who I am. I was suppressing my abilities and talents because I just felt “uncomfortable” with being me. With being the Kenneth Teng I wanted to be. It was pointless that I had so much focus on my career, so much focus on what I want to do in the next 5 years of life, but deep down inside, I had issues with myself. I hated myself for being…just me. I wanted to feel vulnerable, to feel wanted, to not be the strong, independent person that I have been portraying all my life. Jacq elaborated further that it was because of this portrayal that no one was going to come running to me to support me when I am down because everyone was going to believe in my ability to stand up after a bad fall. Thus, I could only blame myself for putting myself in such a state. As a start, she told me to acknowledge myself that night, and to just think about who I am. Appreciating myself was the start to a new me, to a better me.

I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but I tried.

It took me hours to form up 50 words to acknowledge myself, and even while doing it, I felt I was not good enough. But the words of Jacq haunted me, and told me that I was definitely good enough. Talking to Cherylene kinda fostered my courage to also say those words to myself, and remind myself that I was good enough.

Friday morning, and I went back to the course feeling slightly rejuvenated. I felt that the acknowledgement bit worked a little. As I am typing out this post, I am still playing the words in my head. With me being at ease finally, I started to open up even more and made many new friends in the course (and some of them are VERY interesting). At the end of the coaching course, I do believe everyone benefitted and had clarity on some of the new goals in their lives. I was definitely clearer of the need to love myself, and to always appreciate my true self. I have even decided to take a sabbatical from everything and spend some time alone to reflect and  ponder on what I want for year 2010. I guess the Malacca trip from 28 – 30 would really serve its purpose. I can’t wait for it. That night, I went out with my Sierra Wing mates. I felt happy for the fact that that I was more of a participant instead of being the Kenneth who everyone relies on for organising gatherings and meet ups. I sat down to eat dinner without having to worry and call people to check up on them, to check if they were coming. After the dinner, I thought of not organising anymore of such gatherings, but Captain Goh reminded me that if I didn’t, no one would. No one would care, and he appreciated and acknowledged that I cared. I felt a lot better. The personal message by Victor that night on facebook also brought a smile to my face. I was appreciated. I just never realised.

On Sunday night, I went out with Audrey and Karen for dinner at Waraku and had drinks at Cafe Iguana. I personally acknowledged them for their support and love over the past few years that we have been friends. I realised that I haven’t acknowledged many people in my life, and since we’re coming to the end of the year, I do believe I should start doing so. Perhaps, you should too.

Nevertheless, I would like to thank you for reading my blog, for showing genuine interest, and for all my friends who are reading, thanks for my being there for me all the time. I appreciate your love, care and concern, and I acknowledge you for being a big part in my life. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.